When we fight with each other it is usually because we feel intensely about a subject. Therefore, speak only from your own feeling place. Use "I" messages and be as clear as possible. For example, "I feel neglected when you are gone much of the time and I want us to figure out a way to spend more time together." This is preferable to statements like, "You're always gone! You don't care about me! What are you doing with all that time anyway?" The latter statements are accusatory in tone and will naturally put the other person on the defensive and only escalate the fight, resulting in more separation of the couple — the exact opposite of what was desired in the first place.
 

  Avoid statements that include "I never", "You always", "You never", "I always", and "You are such a (slob, baby, procrastinator)", "Why are you so (difficult, cranky, unfair)?". These generalizations serve to shut off the flow of communication and further enforce defensiveness.

Make an Appointment.

  Agree on a time and place to discuss a certain subject. This may sound stilted, but it is unfair fighting to entangle your partner in a discussion when he or she is a "captive audience". For instance, don't pick a fight while driving somewhere, when the other person is behind a closed bathroom door, when the other person is asleep. Don't try to discuss something important or pick a fight when you or the other person is under the influence of even a few drinks, marijuana, or any other mood altering substance.

Don't Lose Track of Time.

  If you can't resolve an issue in twenty minutes, then it will likely not be resolved in longer than 20 minutes. So limit the amount of time you are willing to spend on an issue. If you are at an impasse, get professional help.

Leave the Past Behind.

  Stick to the topic at hand. Do not bring up past behaviors as support for a particular issue that is going on now. Especially don't use hurtful experiences from the past as ammunition against your partner now.

Take a Breather.

  If you feel the fight escalating into potential violence, physical or emotional, take a time out (see handout on what to do during a time out). Time outs must be respected by the other person. Say how much time out you need and stick to it. It's all right to table a discussion for another day.

Avoid "Reading Between the Lines".

  Remember that we hear what our partner says through the filters created by our own life experiences. It is up to each person to be aware of their vulnerable emotional areas, such as abandonment, control, etc., and to check out the intended meaning of the other person before reacting to the assumed meaning that was filtered through the nets of personal wounding from the past. We can do this by first checking in to our own bodily felt sensations that come in reaction to a statement and know that these uncomfortable sensations are there to alert us to potential reactivation of old wounds. So... in order not to bring on potential reactivation of our old wounds, we ask the other to clarify his or her meanings and continue until it is clear and the discomfort has subsided.

Know Thyself.

  Remember that the qualities that we find so distressing in the other are often the qualities that we cannot accept within ourselves. Therefore, self-understanding is an ongoing pursuit that will lead to more peaceful relationships in the long run.