This causes severe insecurity, fear and confusion for kids. Children who witness violence in the home are much more likely to become adults who try to use violence to get their way. It models disrespect for each other, disrespect for your marriage, and disrespect for life in general. When you have money business or scheduling time management concerns about your son or daughter, do this in a businesslike manner, away from the kids, over the phone or by e-mail.
 

  Do not tell your son that you don't want the divorce so it is all the other parent's fault. This sets up confusing issues of loyalty for him, and makes his anxiety even worse.

Parents needs to spend quality, one-to-one time with their children.

  This does not mean just dropping off your daughter at a caretaker's house when it is supposed to be your quality time with the her. It does not mean having her come along on dates with your new love interest. It does mean things like, trips to the park to play, eating at your daughter's favorite restaurant once in a while, reading books or playing games together, or other activities that you can both enjoy.

Do not use your kids as messengers between your two households.

  This again sets up a confusion of loyalties for kids, and puts an unfair responsibility on them.

Take care of your own physical and emotional needs.

  Do not use your child as a confidant who learns the most intimate details of your life. Do not expect your older kids to assume the roles of the absent parent. For example, do not expect your older daughter to do the cooking, laundry and household chores and to watch over her younger siblings. This makes her the "woman of the house", robs her of her childhood or adolescence and puts an unfair burden on her. Likewise, do not expect your boy to become the "man of the house" for the same obvious reasons.


  Children pick up and mirror back our emotional states. Take care of your own anger, sadness, hurt, loneliness, worry and the like by talking with a friend, a therapist, a clergy person, joining a group or class, or whatever works for you. Numbing your uncomfortable emotions with alcohol or drugs does not work and only models poor coping skills to your child. Kids have their own anger, sadness, hurt, worry etc. and they need you to give them the opportunity to work through these feelings in a healthy way.

Be consistent, predictable and on time for picking up and dropping off your child between households.

  Do not stand your son up or fail to show up for your time together. This makes your son feel unimportant to you and severely impacts his self-esteem.

Learn good communication skills to use with your child and with the other parent.

  Agree that you will communicate without violence, put-downs, blame, digging up the past, etc. Stick to the business at hand and let go of the temptation to restart old arguments that can't be settled anyway. To learn these skills take a class, or talk with your therapists or a communications specialist.

Never threaten your child with abandonment.

  By this I mean do not say things like, "If you aren't going to cooperate, then you will have to go live with Mommy/Daddy all the time". Most children already feel abandoned by the divorce itself and this causes further anxiety and desperate behaviors on the part of the child.

Know that some regressive behavior is normal in a divorcing family.

  Do not punish your daughter or shame her if she does things that she had already grown out of. For instance, do not shame her if she begins to wet the bed again, or resumes sucking her thumb or needing a special blanket or teddy bear.

Know that you will get through this — reassure your child that he will too!

  You are not alone. Other families are going through this now also. Joining a divorce group for yourself, and for children is helpful to normalize the chaos in your life.