In my career as a therapist, I have often heard my clients attempt to reframe their struggles with co-parenting with a phrase like, "Oh well, at least this will all be over when our children reach age 18." Not so! Think again! Although formal orders for child support and visitation schedules may end at age 18, co-parenting is a life long opportunity for parents to rise above resentments for the sake of their children, even when... especially when they become adults.

Perhaps the children will go away to college. Whose house do they return to on holidays? The young adult will no doubt decide this. But, who pays for what? Will you let ill feelings about inequalities of income rekindle hostilities, or will you allow yourselves to negotiate how each will contribute to the support of the student for her best interests? At this point in life, your adult child is well aware of the example you have set and are currently setting as parents. Do we want them to follow in our footsteps in their own relationships? Robert Fulghum, in his book "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten", gives advice to his newly pregnant daughter about parenting, and his words remain in my consciousness to this day. He said, "Don't worry that your children do not listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you." What sort of co-parenting example have you lived for them?
 

Imagine this scenario. It really happened. It is the wedding day for the new couple who have requested that the photographer take a formal picture of the two of them with their parent and each parent's new spouse. The photographer arranges the family respectfully but is aware of the rising tension between father and stepfather. Everyone is silent and uncomfortable. The photographer responds offhandedly, "O.K. you two men turn away from each other. Each of you take ten paces and when I count to three, turn and shoot!" At this point everyone laughs, the tension relaxes and later the fathers thank the photographer for pointing out how silly their long-standing feud has been.

Fast-forward to another common occurrence. Grandchildren! One of life's greatest joys! Will you argue over who gets to hold the new baby first? Who gets to buy the crib? Will you compete for time with the baby, or who can provide the most support in filling the needs of the new family, or who can be available to baby sit more often. If the new parents look more to your ex-spouse for involvement, will you feel resentful and allow this toxic feeling to ruin future family gatherings? Hopefully, most of you who are reading this now are thinking to yourself, "Of course not!" You would be surprised how many well-meaning families taint future generations with this type of behavior.

Children learn what they live. My son summed it all up for me recently, when he became a new father. He said that although he fully intended for he and his wife to stay together through thick and thin, becoming a parent was even more awesome. "After all, Mom, parenting is FOREVER!"