1. When your child is with you, expose him/her to people, especially other children, who value you and treat you with positive regard.
2. Don't argue with your child about the origin of his/her criticisms of you, even when he is quoting your ex. Instead, briefly acknowledge the criticism and then try to change the mood with a fun activity.

1. Use restraint when the child is hateful to the alienated parent by saying that you are sorry to see this. But don't try to "talk sense" into the children, criticize or punish them.
2. Postpone any conversation about the alienation until you and the child are engaged in a fun activity.
3. At the right time, mention how much fun you are having and reminisce over past good times.
4. When the child acknowledges the good times you shared, it becomes more difficult for him/her to rewrite the history of the relationship discounting the good memories.

1. Use this awareness as an opportunity to talk to your child about similarities and differences between people; i.e. "How are you like me? Like your dad?" and "How are you different from us?"
2. Then discuss differences in what people may feel. Encourage your child to think of his own examples of ways that he feels different from you and/or the other parent.
3. Then use an example involving anger to show your child that he does not have to share the hatred of a parent that hates you: "Because Daddy is angry with Mommy, you don't have to feel the same way. You don't have to be angry with Mommy just because Daddy is. You can have your own feelings."

1. Lies should be challenged as soon as possible because the repetition of lies creates false memories in children that are difficult to erase.
2. Invite your child to think for himself with regard to the lie. Are the allegations consistent with his experience of you?
3. When you fear your child is likely to dismiss your denials, it may be best for another trusted person to correct the distortions with him or her.

Parenting Never Ends
by Happy Ellen Morris, MFT

In my career as a therapist, I have often heard my clients attempt to reframe their struggles with co-parenting with a phrase like, "Oh well, at least this will all be over when our children reach age 18." Not so! Think again! Although formal orders for child support and visitation schedules may end at age 18, co-parenting is a life long opportunity for parents to rise above resentments for the sake of their children, even when... especially when they become adults.

Perhaps the children will go away to college. Whose house do they return to on holidays? The young adult will no doubt decide this. But, who pays for what? Will you let ill feelings about inequalities of income rekindle hostilities, or will you allow yourselves to negotiate how each will contribute to the support of the student for her best interests? At this point in life, your adult child is well aware of the example you have set and are currently setting as parents. Do we want them to follow in our footsteps in their own relationships? Robert Fulghum, in his book "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten", gives advice to his newly pregnant daughter about parenting, and his words remain in my consciousness to this day. He said, "Don't worry that your children do not listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you." What sort of co-parenting example have you lived for them?

Imagine this scenario. It really happened. It is the wedding day for the new couple who have requested that the photographer take a formal picture of the two of them with their parent and each parent's new spouse. The photographer arranges the family respectfully but is aware of the rising tension between father and stepfather. Everyone is silent and uncomfortable. The photographer responds offhandedly, "O.K. you two men turn away from each other. Each of you take ten paces and when I count to three, turn and shoot!" At this point everyone laughs, the tension relaxes and later the fathers thank the photographer for pointing out how silly their long-standing feud has been.

Fast-forward to another common occurrence. Grandchildren! One of life's greatest joys! Will you argue over who gets to hold the new baby first? Who gets to buy the crib? Will you compete for time with the baby, or who can provide the most support in filling the needs of the new family, or who can be available to baby sit more often. If the new parents look more to your ex-spouse for involvement, will you feel resentful and allow this toxic feeling to ruin future family gatherings? Hopefully, most of you who are reading this now are thinking to yourself, "Of course not!" You would be surprised how many well-meaning families taint future generations with this type of behavior.

Children learn what they live. My son summed it all up for me recently, when he became a new father. He said that although he fully intended for he and his wife to stay together through thick and thin, becoming a parent was even more awesome. "After all, Mom, parenting is FOREVER!"
 

Recommended Reading:

http://www.legalzoom.com Legalzoom is a very useful online service providing quick and easy help in creating legal documents from home. Includes downloading of forms for an uncontested divorce and a divorce education center offering answers to common questions on legal, financial and custodial issues.

http://www.divorcesupport.com Divorcesupport.com is a very comprehensive online divorce service and reference center. It includes information, laws, documents and resources for each state. It also includes services and educational resources related to virtually every aspect of divorce--from divorce support to legal information to resources, even includes a "divorce dictionary" and a live posting forum.

http://groups.msn.com/divorcecaresupport is so comprehensive that I couldn't begin to sort through it! The index alone suggests there is something for everyone here: suicide hotline, message boards for prayer, "spiritual stuff", "share your story" and practical stuff. Click on http://groups.msn.com/divorcecaresupport/womenmothers.msnw and scroll down to "guy stuff" and you will get help with everything from changing the oil in your car to caulking your bath tub! This site is perfect for women who feel adrift and helpless with no structure in their lives.

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