When I heard these words angrily shouted from my client's mouth, my heart ached for the little child whose life will be altered forever by the wrath of parents who vow never to cooperate with one another, even for the benefit of their child.

In my career as a Marriage and Family Therapist I have worked with clients of various ages, cultural backgrounds, and economic conditions. I find it enormously sad that the emotional and physical violence between parents imprints children like a tattoo on their soul. Often it shows up years later in my office as depression, anxiety, obsessive thinking, addictions, eating disorders and, sadly, as a repetitive pattern in the next generation.

Anger is a predictable and normal part of the grieving process when a relationship ends. Being stuck in the stage of anger hurts all in the family who are touched by it. Well meaning parents sometimes fight "tooth and nail" over issues about who is the best parent. They nitpick about what sort of toothbrush a child should use, which shoes the kids must wear and who pays for the soccer team, while the children suffer many losses.

Children suffer the loss of the attention of the parent who is obsessed by winning her point. They suffer the loss of their own voice in the decision making processes of everyday life, like whether or not to take piano lessons or play on the team. Many children suffer the loss of their college fund while the parents spend tens of thousands of dollars on attorneys in pursuit of being declared the more "perfect parent". This declaration rarely happens. One parent seldom really "wins" over the other. They all lose. They lose time with their children and energy wasted on fighting that could have been put to more productive and fun pursuits. They lose money and sometimes their health as the futile goal of "winning" takes its toll as anxiety and self neglect.

Most of all the children lose the positive experience of having two loving parents, however separate, who have time, energy, money and peace of mind to share the joy of childhood with them.

Peaceful cooperation between parents is the only way I know to make sure that everyone wins.

Happy Ellen Morris, M.F.T.
(707) 524-8876